Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Some things I don't say enough

Yes, I do love all of you. If you're reading this then I love you, in some way, shape, or form. While in my time being deployed, I've begun getting scared, particularly the closer I get to being out. I feel like I'll be that gunned down cop that's like "I was only two days from retirement. Tell my wife I always hatted her stuffing at Thanksgiving......" or something like that. So, I just wanted to make sure you all are aware of the fact that I can't wait to come home to you guys, even if we only get to see each other when you're home visiting for the Holidays. Even if I don't get to see you, just talking to you guys on Facebook pumps me up for days. If you ask anyone who I've talked with for more than 5 minutes, they'll tell you how much I miss Idaho and when I was younger and all my friends were still there. Anyway, now that's out of the way, I'll tell a funny story or two and then make a list of things I like or dislike, because my friend did it on her blog and I thought it was awesome.

When I was back to Fort Leonardwood after Christmas leave then I got bumped up to first class on my flight for being in the military(woot!). Anyway, I get on the plane and sit down next to this girl in ACUs and we naturally start talking about the military. Anyway, she seems so nice, doesn't swear, is in training to be a medic, she's sweet, she talks about back home and eventually she pulls out a Marvel(the comics for those of you who don't live under a rock like me) wallet. I am amazed that this really pretty, really sweet girl could also be really awesome(comics books and quirkiness DO make you awesome, sometimes) so we end up talking about superheroes and all that crap(ladykiller, thy name is Phillip). Anyway, the flight left at like 1 AM and we were both super tired and I got on the plane with the intention of sleeping through the flight, but instead we stayed up all 4 hours of it talking. At the end of the night I unwadded my panties and asked her for her number and we decided that if she got out of training before I deployed we'd hang out(she didn't) and I was pretty excited. Nothing ever came of it, we talk occasionally, but that's it. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, except for the fact that I'm glad I asked for her number even if we never hung out(yet?) and that I'm pretty proud of the fact I CAN get a girl's phone number. Bet you had no faith in my, right?(talking most directly to my sister's who love to give me grief)

I often times find myself torn on how I'll be when I get out of the military. Right now, I'm a good guy who isn't afraid to omit the occasion curse or 8 when I hammer my own hand and I have my vulgar streak but I still feel like a good guy. I still believe in the Church even if I am lax in my church activities. I still say I'm LDS to strangers and pray and read the scriptures(not every night, at all. I wish I did though). When I get out I wonder if I'll go to church every Sunday or just when there is no good football games on. I wonder if I'll go visit my army friends and just be stupid with them again. I think I WANT to do good. I want to pray and go to church and all the seminary answers, but I don't know if I will. Notice that word, 'will.' Not 'can.' Because I KNOW I can, but I don't know if I'm man enough to actually do it. That scares me alot. I think I've done manly things in my life. I've deployed twice, survived bombs and gunfire, I had a tax return, I've been broke and learned to save, I have my single chest hair(be jealous), and I can even go a few days without shaving and have people notice it. But a man isn't the sum of his past actions, a man is what he can do with today. I believe, and even preach, about good things like honor and kindness and integrity, but I feel like I have none of those qualities. In a book I read then it talks about driving down the road and you see dirt clods and rocks but they all look the same. Then you pick one up and you put pressure on it and the rock stays the same. If its a dirt clod then it breaks and turns to dust. I feel like a dirt clod more than a rock, and its something I've felt like for years now, but never been able to actually admit to anybody till now(if this counts as an admonition) I've never been able to do the REALLY hard right, or consistently do the hard right. I can do the hard right sometimes, but never the really hard ones. It's not hard for me to pray at night when nobody is bothering me, or to NOT curse when I get hurt, but I still do it, and that scares me. When I get faced like a real challenge then what will happen? I remember when I was about 15 and I was in ballroom class(it happened people) and one night then a girl needed some help learning the steps, so she asked me and the three other guys to come to her house with another girl to help them. Being polite gentlemen then we did and WOAH, the change in her from the class to her house was weird. She was swearing and vulgar and we were all polite(she wasn't a sailor or anything) and we went to her house and did the dance. When we were taking breaks though she was always hitting on the older guys(everyone there was like 17-19 except me) and I remember them just being gentlemen and not being fazed at all. I remember we were all wearing sunday clothes and she went to Jason and started to unbutton his second button while he was talking to her(top on was already undone) and without missing a beat he put his finger on the button so it wouldn't come undone and he just kept talking without any change. The sad thing about this story is that I remember when something similar happened to me a year or so later and I had no problem being like those guys who I looked up to, but if I were faced with the situation now, I don't think I could be like them anymore. I don't know, I'm rambling now, but you get the main fear I'm facing. I'll probably talk more about it in another post. On with the other stuff!

-When I say "Howdy" I feel like Sam Elliot. Good feeling right there.
-I love talking to old friends like we still hang out on a weekly basis even if we haven't talked in months.
-I always liked this girl, Ashley Hunter, some of you probably know her. She's pretty awesome, and I'd love to go on a date with her sometime, but I'll never get the guts to. The only reason I say this is because if I die then I want someone to know. Also, I'm pretty confident she doesn't read my blog.
-I like making time to talk to people and when people make time to talk to me.
-There is a draft right by my bed where the AC goes and filters to every other room. It kills me at night, I'm shivering while writing this. Sure beats being hot though.
-I hate having people who don't already know me know that I'm in the army because of WWII. When people think of the army they think of the 101st and those guys when I can't even compare to what they've done. Don't lump me with them.
-IF I get blown up again, I'll probably cry
-I secretly hope that my anti Harry Potter book 5 speech has become the stuff of legend in the Shelly area.
-When I slip then I say things like "wee!" and "Yahoo!" on the way down, even if I don't fall, just because it makes it feel a little better when I do hit the ground.
-I don't like keeping pennies, so instead I drop them as I walk so somebody can pick them up and get good luck.
-Another Mormon thing:I don't want to die, because I haven't gone to the temple yet, or done a mission, or even been as kind as I want to. I can be rude to people pretty easily, just because I'm witty and use it for evil(trash talking) and even if I don't think its mean, it is usually thought of as mean. Also, I'm incredibly bitter to people who I don't already know. Not sure why, but it's also part of the reason I hate crowds. One of these days I'm hoping to just be nice again. I'm pretty sure it will be easy when I'm out of the army, I'm not a naturally mean person, its not second nature to say mean things, you know? When somebody falls then I don't laugh, I help them up. I guess that's a good sign, right?
-It's 145 AM and I have to get up for mission in 3 hours. Ugh. Let's do this again sometime.


  1. Sooo jealous of your chest hair! Thanks a lot. Now I feel really dumb for not having one. :/
    Actually, I have this mysterious chin hear though. It appears every once in a while and I get really happy, because it is so fun to pull out! Are YOU jealous now?!
    I LOVED reading this post. It was like reading your diary and really getting you know you.
    Don't die! No more explosions. You are almost done! I know how you feel about fearing that you will ALMOST make it home and then have something happen. Just keep doing your best, and yeah, keep praying.
    I loved the story about after dance class! Who was the girl?! I'm going to guess that really tall one? Can't remember her name. And I bet Nathan was one of the guys. Makes me feel all happy inside knowing they weren't fazed by her advances! Ha! take that, little Jezebel!
    I bet once you are around Mormon's more you will feel yourself improving and being more the man you want to be. Stronger spiritually, etc. And we all have spiritual things we wish we were good at. For instance, I KNOW the scriptures are true and that if I read them regularly I actually learn from them and apply the lessons to my own life. BUT... ("Everyone always has a big but. Tell me about your big but, Somone." Name that movie!).... I am horrible about reading them. Always have been. It took me years to learn/ admit that and now I realize the only way I am really good about reading them is if I am in a class or challenge in some way that makes me read them. Then I finally read them and i feel so much better! But I have to be pushed o I just don't make them a priority.
    I used to think that prophets and apostles and missionaries were perfect people. Now I see that they are just normal people that had the strength to withstand temptations. It's not that they don't have them, they just choose to be above the temptations. That has helped me a lot and given me hope that I am still a good person even if I am not perfect!
    Hmmm. What else...
    Your humor really makes me laugh.
    I hope you come visit when you get out of the army. You would probably love seeing Amish country and finally meeting Anya and Sabriel.
    And yes, I am so proud of your skills in getting the phone number from the cute girl!!! Hope you do get to hang out with her sometime.
    Since we are being all mushy in case something happens, know that we love you too! I was really scared when I heard of the crash with 30 Americans. I figured no news was good news, as in, you must not have been involved. Stay safe so you can come pet our fluffy Asia kitty when you get back!

  2. P.S.
    I love what you say when you start falling! When the kids fall I start clapping and cheering in hopes that it prevents them from crying.
    I always remember driving by this guy who was smoking and he slipped on the ice. Fell right on his booty. And you know what he did? he just sat there and kept smoking! Bahaha!!!

  3. That was a very powerful blog post, Philly. I'm glad you're brave enough to at least admit you're not perfect. People sometimes have this big problem with admitting that they actually have problems. So bravo on admitting that you're scared, etc. I think the best thing that has helped me improve and be motivated to read scriptures and exercise and do all those things was this: I PRETEND that I'm already amazing at it; like I'm an Olympic athlete who exercises every day, or I'm already very diligent in reading scriptures. Then I kind of trick myself into thinking that I already do it so it's not that hard. it's like I've made the decision already and I'm not just starting out. Just TRY that and see how it helps! It realllly helps me. And good job getting the nice girls' phone number! That would be exciting if you actually got to see her again!

    We all love you Phillipe! So much. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. :) It will be so fun to see you in real life again!

    Megan! I know that quote! It's from Pee Wee's Big Adventure! Hahaha!

  4. Hi, Phillip! I was so excited when I saw your new post! Thanks for loving me. That makes me feel happy and warm. :)
    We love you sooo much! I love you sooo much! Can you keep a little copy of the scriptures in your pocket? I find that proximity is everything. Haley's idea is a great one, too.
    Before you get back, arrange your life here, filling it with things like Institute Choir and schooling at BYU-I, if possible. Hang around with Kattie and Ben or other great friends/relatives. Don't allow yourself a chance to get in a rut that will be hard to get out of!
    Also, attend the Singles Branch, volunteer at a nursing home, keep saving - do things that reflect back to you what is really important: service, love, work, fun, all in balance. I would contact my chaplain there, too. Read the LDS newsletter that is sent to our email for you, read The Ensign, and pray for the DESIRE to act and think in accordance with who you want to be.
    You've been in the Army for so long, Phillip, and it's wonderful that you have retained a remembrance of those people and things that you admire. That's so cool, and the people here are rooting for you!
    I have to re-center myself every day, Phillip, and still I wander in my thoughts and feelings, far from what I want to be. Thank Heaven that Jesus sacrificed Himself, because he knew that would happen to each of us. Repentance is a blessing, and oftentimes we just have to approach it like that, and ask for help with our weaknesses.
    Coming back to the same things, day after day, can bring us to where we want to be, with time.
    I admire your honesty, your desire to learn and grow, and your sense of humor. I've always felt confident in your ability to hang in there, knowing how stubborn and determined you are! ;)
    Take care, and congrats on the courage to get a girl's phone number!
    Be sure and keep your powder dry, and DUCK!!