Anyway, back to rubble. Sometimes I feel just like a pile of crap, I'm not sure why. I felt that way for a bit before I realized what it was. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like this alot, it usually is this when I'm depressed in some way or another. Today I felt like I'm no longer part of a family, and won't be for a while. I talked with Whitni about it for a while, and I suppose I felt better, but it boiled down to this:My parents are gone from my home state, where I want to be for a few years, I think. All my siblings in that home state(Seth aside, he...Well, he's another issue for me) have made their families and are doing their thing. My family is gone and made their own. Now I'm not a member, I'm an accessory to theirs. I'm always Uncle Phillip or the brother in law, and that's just how it is. I'm not where near getting married and making my own family(not willing to rush into that just yet) and you're probably saying "Hey, stop being silly, plenty of people are in the same boat as you" but here's the difference, in my mind: They all have their good friends, their niche, their place of belonging. I have friends sure, but I have no good friends anywhere it seems. I'll be leaving Harry and Andrew is going to be heading to college and in the time since I joined the army he's found new guys to hang out with. He and I are still really great friends, the best of friends, but we are anything but a support structure for the other. I mean, we CAN support eachother, but we don't. Not unless we need to. Its hard to explain. I mean, we still are best friends, but I feel like he replaced me. He can be my best friend and we'll still find time to hang out, but we don't just have the time like we used to. Not a time issue, if that's what you're thinking, but it used to be "I invite Andrew and Phillip is coming. I invite Phillip and Andrew is coming" I mean, we were a pair, but now its not that way. Every coin has two sides and I won't have mine. Nathan went and got married(Not a negative thing in the least) and now he's either with Whitni or working, and even if he hadn't gotten married then he'd be in the same category as Andrew.
I'm not really sure how to resolve this feeling I have or this post, so I'll just do one of those challenge things and call it a night.
Day 16 - Your celebrity crush. This is a good question. Herm.....Tonight I think we'll go with Yvonne Strahovski. She's Sarah in Chuck, she was born in Australia, and she was Miranda in Mass Effect. Other than that she hasn't done much, but she hasn't done anything negative and I just kinda like her. Hey, look! There she is now!
Isn't this just a coinky dink(yeah, that just happened)
I remember having those feelings! It might be worse for you, with mom and Doc moving and you being in the army. I had so many days when I was just stuck at home without a license and having to earn money for horse board, with would have to be earned again the next month, etc. but it never got me anywhere. And then mommy was sick and people needed help at home, but I wasn't going anywhere. I can sympathize.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is, you ARE doing something, as in, the army. And you can now start the countdown until you are done! Then, if you go on a mission, it will change your life so much in so many good ways! Maybe you will go foreign and learn a new language. And you will make some really good friends out of your companions, friends who won't want to drink or make you drive them home after they are drunk. And you will get to know the world!
In the meantime, I wonder if you could find a guitar or piano teacher around there. Then, maybe you could practice the piano after church or before church. Just go early and hang out in one of the rooms playing.
I bet Justin feels a bit of the same way, with not being married and all.
Megan said most of the things I was going to say, but I DO understand what you mean! I think it mostly has to do with Noodle and Doc living far away. Sometimes I'm really jealous that Dallin has parents who are always there, always in the same house etc. Also, when I was about to go to college, and i was living out of a tiny suitcase in Mel's basement, that was when I felt like I had no family either. It just feels like that sometimes, and it gets better and worse just depending on how you feel that day. I know right now it seems like time drags, but it somehow DOES go by, and pretty soon you'll be looking back on this time and seeing how fast time really went. Just keep your goals in mind, so you can go on a mission and do all you want to do in life. During hard times in life, the best way to get through it is to make goals for yourself. We love you, even if you don't feel like it sometimes! :)
ReplyDeletePhillip, I'm glad you shared your feelings with us, and I'm really sorry we can't be in Idaho right now, closer to most of the family. I think most of us feel that exact way at times, and you're in a period of transition, even if you'll be in the Army for another year; you're looking ahead emotionally and feeling disconnected.
ReplyDeletePressure does make a diamond, Phillip. You'll always look back on this time and you'll see the strength that you gained with trying to pursue what you want - the things that expand your talents, that serve others, and that lift your soul and bring it nobility. Keep your eye on that which you truly desire, and you will be amazed at how Heavenly Father will bless you, in unexpected ways, when you weren't looking.
He needs your strength, Phillip. You are stubborn and determined, and I know you can be a Saturday's Warrior.
When you get out, you should attend BYU-I until you leave for a mission. You will make some great friends and you will find mentors that will truly help you. You can also take piano and guitar!
In the meantime, you are setting an example for your friends. You have much more effect on their lives than you know.
This blog is a great thing you are doing. Please tell us specific things you need and want, and how to get it to you. That would be so helpful! I think I can help you more now that things aren't so complicated, and we want to help you.
Can you receive the Ensign? That would be wonderful for you. Also, the articles and talks are online at lds.org, I believe.
Take care, Phillip. We love you so much!
PS You can find Tara's blog via mine, and you can go to her new blog from there. I signed up to be a follower, because it's about having a stronger relationship with Christ.
ReplyDeleteAs I told her, I want, more that anything, for our family members and our friends to be all together when we hear His voice, even if we have to drag each other along sometimes. Won't that be a wonderful day?!